Building Character

Dear Daughters,

Do you remember reading the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon many years ago that showed seven-year-old Calvin being annoyed at hardships in his life and his father grimly saying “it builds character”?  At the time I thought it was just a funny joke.  But I was intrigued while reading a book by Neil Anderson about ten years ago.  He writes that the number one thing God is after in our lives is developing our character.  By character I mean things like love, joy, peace patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Of course one the best ways to develop character is to live in a committed relationship with the man you married.

I love the last sentence in Chapter 2 of Sacred Influence. Gary Thomas writes, “It’s my firm belief that the current challenges in your marriage may well be God’s vehicle for you to become the strong woman he created you to be.”  As I look back through the years, sometimes thinking that I may have married the wrong man, I see now God’s perfect plan in our marriage – Dad and I both needed changes in our character that could only happen by being married to each other.

Our marriage really started improving by leaps and bounds when I got sick back in January 2003.  I was forced to “lie in green pastures” (the couch) and see myself for who I really was.  And let me tell you it wasn’t a pretty picture.  As I lay there on the couch, my eyes were opened to how ungrateful I had been.  Dad often had many good ideas about different things, but because they came from him I would always find something to criticize.

I wince when I think of the years that I did not encourage, but instead found fault.  Looking back, I always found it easy to encourage my piano and choir students and you, my daughters, but my harshest criticisms were always saved for Dad.  I just thought it was my job to be honest with him, telling him what I thought was wrong with him, instead of building him up and thanking him for all the little things he would do for me.  I have since confessed my sin to Dad and he has so graciously forgiven me.  I know I have hurt him in many ways over the years which made his forgiveness even more amazing.

Another thing I learned while reading during those hours of lying on the couch, was the fact that Satan’s greatest strategy is to destroy marriages.  It’s not my husband who I am fighting against, it’s Satan whispering words of disdain, of how inadequate my man is, enlarging his faults and diminishing his good traits.  It was then that I truly started to understand the verse “For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  (Ephesians 6:12)

I finally decided to begin partnering with Jesus Christ to be an agent of reconciliation instead of division.  I am not trying to get myself off the hook because I was very guilty of saying some rude stuff, but at least now I know who was behind it all.  I have learned that I can choose my attitude, and I have decided to dispense grace.  Let me tell you, since then I still have temptations to go back to my old ways, but every day it is getting easier and more natural to affirm and love.  Love is a choice that I have to make every day of my life, but the best choice possible in order to have a good marriage.

Love, Mom