Boys will be boys….

Dear Daughters,

It’s looking like #Metoo will become the most memorable hashtag of 2017.  I rejoice there have been so many women coming forward, honestly sharing their stories which have been quieted for decades.  And just when I think the stories are diminishing, yet another one surfaces.

I lament that there are so many who have been used, abused, silenced and threatened with lies and other intimidation maneuvers.  Over the years I have grieved with several personal friends as they have recounted their own stories of being assaulted, molested and raped. The devastation that follows is indescribable and becomes a part of their story for the remainder of their lives.

In the past, unwanted fondling, groping and inappropriate touching was often considered trivial and given the excuse boys will be boys.  But as Ann Voskamp wisely writes:

If boys will be boys, girls will be garbage.

Sexual freedoms which were so celebrated in the 1960’s with the advent of the Pill have not made us free.  Instead we have scandals, accusations, denials, finger pointing, judgment, hopelessness and despair.  In fact, it seems our society has become sex-obsessed, which instead of giving freedom has become a bondage to many.   It has caused us to see people as merely bodies to be used, instead of being given the respect, love and value that God originally bestowed on us.

I remember the question our nation was faced with when a past President was charged with an improper sexual relationship with a White House intern back in 1988.

Is morality an absolute or a private matter?

For much of our culture, morality is simply defined as what you feel is right.  That opinion brings a dilemma however: right for you may not be right for me.

For many of the accused men, I’m quite certain this is their belief, that morality is a private matter.  But what happens when their belief collides with the women they use?

God created each of us, male and female, with bodies that are sacred.  We are not only physical, but a spirit and a soul beautifully wrapped in flesh and blood.  When our body is touched so is our soul, whether it is a genuine hug from a friend or a caress from our husband.  But when unwanted, toxic touch occurs it hurts not only our body but also our soul and emotions – our entire person.

In the late 80’s, after the President’s adultery was uncovered, many others in high government positions were also publicly exposed with their past affairs, some from years and even decades earlier. Included were those who had hoped to impeach the President because of his moral failure.   Several men argued that their actions were merely indiscretions of their youth – at age 41. 

Why is it so easy to point out other’s sins yet assume no one will discover our own?  Jesus was right when he said long ago:

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed,

or hidden that will not be made known.

What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight,

and what you have whispered in the ear in inner rooms

will be proclaimed from the housetops.

But back to the question about morality being absolute or a private matter.  If a person, male or female, commits adultery – or more politely having an affair – which is basically lying to their spouse, why would we trust them with political office, with power, with directing large sums of money?  If a person lies in one area of their life, we can safely assume there will be deceit in other areas as well.

When God carved those words, Do not commit adultery, He was simply desiring for us to live lives of simplicity and love.  He always wants the best for us.

Is marriage and fidelity hard?  Of course they are.  Marriage is a mystery and will always be a mystery, but should never be seen as a problem.  It takes a lifetime to learn to love our husbands.  But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it should be abandoned.

I honestly think learning to stay faithful and love, no matter what happens in life, is much simpler than lying, trying to cover up those lies, attempting to impress someone new while carrying around all the deceit being hidden, pretending, covering up other lies – and all the while trying to look as though all is well.  Not to mention all the pain it inflicts on children, parents and others involved.

Harvey Weinstein, who has over 80 women with accusations of sexual abuse against him, has recently been quoted as saying,

I am profoundly devastated.

I have lost my wife and kids, whom I love more than anything else.

Weinstein, who has produced such movies as Sex, Lies, and Videotape and Flirting with Disaster seems to have embodied his own films in real life.

One thing that gives me a bit of joy in the midst of all this madness in our world is that somehow the general public really does have some kind of a moral law in their minds.

With the theory of naturalism (everything can be explained in the natural and scientific realm) prevalent in so much of our society there is no rational reason for right or wrong, absolutely none.  Science cannot dictate which sexual advances are inappropriate.  Science alone cannot give value to human beings or command respect for them.  Living with the philosophy of naturalism, which many in our country believe, everyone is free to make their own rules because there is no transcendence, no higher being, no moral law-giver.  Only what is seen with the eyes, measured in the lab and studied in science is real.

So why then are many people with no belief in the unseen realm upset with sexual indiscretions?  If the man thinks it’s good, it must be ok.  Why have women’s opinions suddenly become important and newsworthy?

I cannot answer that question except that it is by God’s grace.  Truth is coming out and men are being called to account for their actions.

As long as I can remember, men who jump from woman to woman have been called Playboys.  I think it is an accurate term, boys who have never grown up, who still like to play with women as toys instead of committing to one for a lifetime.

There is a possible danger I can faintly hear coming in the future –  women putting all men in the same category of sexual predators.  I do hope we will have the courage to not become men-haters because of the accusations of these high-profile abusers.

There are countless faithful, true, loving men who do keep their promises in the good times and bad, in the difficult and in the celebratory, even though temptation lurks with every mouse click.

I thank God for the men in our lives who treat women with respect, grace and kindness.  Yes, we all have our disagreements, conflicts and misunderstandings because we are all humans with countless flaws.  But I pray that we will continue to honor and esteem one another,  growing and learning to love even in the most difficult of times.

Love, Mom

p.s. I wonder if we should start #Wetoo for those of us who have faithful husbands…