Dear Daughters,
John Adams wrote a letter to his wife, Abigail, during the Revolutionary War. Part of that letter reads: “We can’t guarantee success in this war, but we can do something better. We can deserve it.” He basically said “How the war turns out is in the hands of God. We can’t control that, but we can control how we behave. We can deserve success.”
The same principle is true in marriage – How things turn out is not in our power, and we definitely cannot control another person, but we can act in such a way that is honorable, and then trust God to do the changing. It’s an interesting concept to think about, but perhaps your husband’s faults are the very tools that God is using to change you. All those things about your husband that annoy you may be God’s way of teaching you to become more patient, longsuffering and kind. In other words, your marriage makeover might begin with you!
In our early years of marriage I was disappointed. I couldn’t understand why Dad didn’t do more to make me happy. In my “happily ever after” mind I thought it was all about me and my happiness. With a mindset like that it didn’t take long to become discontented, and I thought more than once that I must have made a mistake in my choice for a husband.
It seems counter-intuitive that we should start the improvement by changing ourselves because, of course, it’s always the other person who needs to change. But think about it, if your husband changed solely because of your efforts and manipulation it would be easy to become proud and arrogant. When you demand that someone change for your pleasure, you’re trying to bend a person to meet your needs, make you comfortable and bring you happiness.
If you remember the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness…) you will recall that the last one listed is self-control. It’s not child-control or husband-control, but self-control. The only person you can do anything about is you.
God doesn’t require perfection in our behavior, but he does hope to see progress. In five years we should be wiser, stronger, and more mature in character than we are now. Jesus wants us to be a reflection of himself. He’s into character building – that’s His specialty. But guess how He builds character? By allowing difficult times to come into our lives so that we can learn to persevere. Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence asks the question “How is God using your marriage to teach you how to love?” God has us face many issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate so that we depend on His strength, His wisdom, and His love to be able to persevere through the trials and become a stronger, more loving person because of it.
I used to be annoyed by Romans 5:3-5,
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.
Rejoice in my sufferings? Yeah, that’s not my gut reaction when hardship comes my way, but I’m slowly learning to recognize the tough times for what they are – God’s tools to make me stronger and more loving. Mother Teresa has another way of saying this: “I never call difficulties ‘problems.’ I always say ‘gift of God’ because it is always much easier to take a gift than to take a problem.”
As I’ve said before, our marriage is better now than it has ever been. But it is only that way because we have both persevered through the hard times, and now we can rejoice in the good times. The good news is that God is involved in our lives. He knew, even before we were born, who our husband would be, and He is not at all surprised by the challenges that we face. He will never leave you, nor forsake you, no matter hard life gets.
I just read the other day that life is 10% circumstances, and 90% our attitude toward those circumstances. That puts a lot of responsibility on us! But with God’s help, we can become the women he wants us to be. And that in turn will influence our husbands to be the best they can be.
Love, Mom
I just picked up on this as I looked through fb tonight. Thanks for going public with your musings, Shari. You have a wondeful gift with words and what you write is so true and helpful. Appreciate it and you! Thank you.
Thanks for reading, Karen, and your kind words. We can always keep learning and growing!