Dear Daughters,
There was once a family pet toy poodle that loved to chase cars. One afternoon she finally caught one and got injured. Her owner ran out to the road to retrieve the dog, and that little poodle became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, the dog kept biting her owner as he gathered her into his arms. He had tried to help her, to bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she bit the hands that were trying to nurture her. 
Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence, tells this story because our husbands can be like that. Every man has been wounded in some way – maybe you married a deeply wounded man. Sometimes hurting men bite, and sometimes they bite the very hands that are trying to bring healing. But we need to patiently pray for long-term change – nurturing him instead of resenting and condemning him. We need to think of marriage as a marathon, not as a 100-yard dash. Human beings are complex and it takes time for trust to be earned.
Give your husband the benefit of the doubt.
It’s so easy to stew over our husband’s relational shortcomings – “why won’t he talk to me, why doesn’t he seem to care?” But the fact may be that he is simply incompetent – he just honestly doesn’t know what you need, or what he’s supposed to do.
There is a myth out there that if your husband really loves you, he’ll be able to read your mind and know exactly what to do to please you. But the fact is that we need to be direct in our speaking, in what we need (not just want). Love is a commitment and a choice – not telepathy.
Respect the position even when you disagree with the person.
God calls wives to respect their husbands (Eph. 5:33) It doesn’t say for wives to respect perfect husbands, or even great husbands, it simply says to respect your husband. That’s been a big problem for me. I’ve always thought that my opinion was the best opinion, and if Dad didn’t agree – well, the conversation was over. I think I felt like he was rejecting me as a person when he didn’t agree with me, but I had to learn that he still loved me, he just didn’t agree with every opinion I had. I needed to learn to respect him and his opinion even when it was different than mine.
Give him the same grace that God gives you.
Because Jesus Christ has given us forgiveness and grace, He wants us to give the same to our husbands. It takes great spiritual maturity to offer grace, love, and mercy – giving the same benefits that we ourselves have received from God our Father. Think back and remember how much God has done for you – he’s seen every wicked act you’ve ever committed, heard every bit of gossip you have passed on, noticed every ugly hateful thought you have had – and yet He still loves you. And now comes the hard part – will we give our husbands what God has given us?
Form your heart through prayer.
Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find several things that he does really well and start thanking God for them. Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. One session of thankfulness is not nearly enough, it has to be done every day – steady and persistent.
Drop unrealistic expectations.
Your husband will not meet all your needs, only your Creator can do that. Ruth Graham (Billy’s wife) said it this way. “I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding…tender and loving, anticipating every need. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.” 
Whew! Lots of good things to do, but the most important of all is
Forming your heart through prayer.
We simply cannot love without God’s help, and we can’t change overnight. God will give you the grace to do what he wants you to do today. And then there will be a fresh batch of grace for you tomorrow. Every day I pray for all of you my daughters, that your marriages will grow in love and trust more and more as we continue to learn how to love as Jesus loves.
Love, Mom
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