Dear Daughters,
Yesterday I had a terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day. I woke up feeling physically and emotionally fragile – which happens every now and again. You know the feeling? It was cloudy out, actually a pelting rainstorm as I was driving to meet with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. Somehow I didn’t get the memo of the change of location, so after driving 20 minutes to the normal meeting spot, a kind man told me the meeting had been moved. He gave me the new address, so I walked out to the car and promptly fell apart, weeping.
Really? Just because I didn’t hear about the change? How immature and silly of me, I told myself. I vacillated between giving up and going home or seeking out the new meeting spot. In the end I put on my big girl panties and ventured out in the storm again, going another 15 minutes in the torrential storm to find the changed location at which I finally arrived. All the way there I was feeling forgotten, unseen, alone and back to my 13-year-old self when I had been left alone because of a misunderstanding of a meeting place in another state, decades ago.
How quicky one single trigger can bring us back to less than desirable thoughts of what has happened in the past – feeling lost and alone, thinking no one cares, or worse that someone deliberately left us out.
When I finally arrived to the true meeting spot, I was greeted warmly by my friends, but the topic of conversation (in my head) circled around to more times of rejection in the past – some deliberate, others only perceived -so I fought back tears most of the time. At the end I planned to quickly jet out the door when no one was looking, and my plan worked…almost.
Michelle caught me and asked if I was OK. Of course, I was not and I wanted to lie saying, Yes, I’m fine, just feeling quiet today. But, since I’m not a very good liar, when I opened my mouth the tears started streaming again. I told her what had happened – the miscommunication, the perceived hurt and all the other thoughts swirling in my mind. Then in her kind, caring voice she said
You know those are lies, right?
Right. Of course, they’re lies. Sheesh, I know about lies from the enemy, voices from my past, I have been teaching it to others for years. So how did I get caught in this downward spiral of self-disdain, loathing and hopelessness?
It’s embarrassing to forget everything I know and give in to the emotions of the moment, but somedays it happens so unexpectedly and sneakily and I don’t know when the floodgate opened, but the gang’s all there.
So when I finally returned home, I cried out to God to remind me that I am Known, Seen and Loved – whether I feel like it or not. I know I cannot let others’ opinions of me be the final word, especially when those words were spoken so long ago. I need to go back even farther in time and listen to the words my Father God tells me:
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10
I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself.
Jeremiah 31:3
The clamor of voices from the media and others around you, telling you you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, or enough in any way are simply distractions to keep us from the simple truth that we are loved just as we are.
Love from people is good, but what happens when they leave us, offend us or walk away? We will all be betrayed in some way some day by a human – or by many humans. It’s just what humans do because we are flawed. Only the perfect loving Savior, Jesus Christ, can supply us with all we need. To be Known, Seen and Loved.
We are not what we do.
We are not what we have.
We are not what others think of us.
Coming home is claiming the Truth.
I am a beloved child of God.
We no longer need to beg permission from the world to exist.
Henri Nouwen
Love, Mom
Shari….hey girlfriend I would never think that you would feel those same insecurities that we all feel, I remember moving to Idaho and you came home from college looking so sophisticated in your fur boots, I was sitting behind you and I had one of those frumpy feeling old lady days, and I thought how did I get here God? Why have I been sent to this cold unfriendly place where I do not have any friends and family and I now dress and work like a man on an antiquated dairy farm, why could I not be like this Koopman girl young, good looking, talented off to college and living life of fun and parties, and those fur boots! lol I remember that day so well, and all this happened in church! So I can see that we do all have those down days where we feel life is not a happy place for me today, sometimes we go to these places so God can once again pull us back and let us know how very special we are in HIS eyes, and when you aren’t expecting it someone is sitting behind you wishing they were YOU!
Oh Ann, that is simply hilarious! I know what those frumpy feeling old lady days feel like, and they are not pleasant. I’m amazed that you still remember those thoughts from decades ago! You are right, these down days are good for us because they are a reminder that people will always let us down, but Jesus is there when everything else is falling apart. Thanks for the story:)
Oh yes, Psalm 139 is one of my go-to Psalms of comfort as well. I actually have a paper full of Scriptures entitled “Verses for dark days,” for times such as these. Good to hear from you, Donna!
❤️❤️ what a blessing it is for friends to remind us of the truth. Thanks for your honesty, mom.
You’re welcome. I figured everybody has these days now and then if we’re human:)