Men and Metal

Dear Daughters,

Have you noticed that many guys have a love relationship with their trucks or cars?  Men are often attached to the metal in their lives that is dependable and comfortable.  Michael Gurian, who has studied extensively about the brain differences between boys and girls describes the brain biology behind this love of vehicles.  “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation.  A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.”

Gary Thomas tells how he bonded with his work truck one summer – it was dependable, comfortable and gave him brain rest.  “A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling.  A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying ‘why are you so upset?’  My car is absolutely clear about its needs.  I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty.  My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words ‘You should know without me having to tell you.’”  In short, a car lets a man’s brain rest.

We too need to let our husbands rest.  He will not always want to talk when you do You will need to be patient and wait for your husband to give more of himself to you.  A good healthy marriage happens by degrees.  That’s why God created marriage to last a lifetime.

This man of yours is complex – he probably hardly knows himself – and it will take years to find the mystery, the beauty, the delight of who he is, not who you want him to be. If you are patient, if you resist the urge to try to force him into intimacy things will go much better for you in the long run.  Let him have times of silence, some times of being alone.

I continue to revel in the fact that God deliberately created male and female radically different and it causes me to stand in amazement of His good plan.  I think He must delight in those who continue to seek to be faithful and understand even in the midst of misunderstandings and thinking I must have been crazy to have married this guy.

Don’t expect to understand him.  The bottom line is that we don’t have to be able to understand our husbands before we can love them.  There are some things about them that will never make any sense, and just maybe they’re thinking the same thing about us.

I have learned that when something – anything – annoys me, the real problem is my annoyance.  I used to think that I needed to change what bothered me, but I have finally come to realize that the problem is simply that I allow myself to be bugged by something that is not all that important.  It’s my attitude that needs changing, not the circumstance.  King Solomon once wrote

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding

holds his tongue.

Try to learn to celebrate the mystery of your man.  Be a woman of understanding – learn how and when to communicate in such a way that your husband can fully participate and feel loved and accepted in the process.

You know how IRA’s work, right?  You don’t deposit a check this year and expect it to double by next year.  The value accrues over time, over a very long time.  Mature love is like that.  In order to have a good marriage you must be patient and willing to wait for love to blossom and grow.  You must invest years, decades, waiting on God, waiting on your man, letting God change you.  It takes time to move past romance to true love, committed love, but it is worth every bit of effort you are willing to give.

After 33 years of marriage I feel like I am just starting to know who Dad is.  Today he gave me the most wonderful card ever – it said

I’m a better man because of you

and it made me cry.  I wish I would have known how to be more patient, more willing to give him his space.  For many years I expected him to be like me, but after years of learning, reading, and living, I see that I should have been more celebrative of who he was, not always wanting someone who was different than him.  I see now the rewards of what years of faithfulness, commitment, forgiving, and praying for my husband has reaped, and I am thankful!

Love, Mom