Dear Daughters,
Have you ever thrown a party like this?
Date: Today
Time: Now
Reason: To cry and complain with me about my marriage and the sad state of poor little me, how unjustly I have been treated, misjudged, misunderstood, cruelly maligned, the unfairness of it all, and how nobody appreciates what I do for them.
I have thrown some parties like this in the past but they were never fun. Nobody wanted to come, no snacks or decorations. Just me and self-pity, not great company.
The seventh Wilderness Mentality found in Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind, is simply called Self-Pity. The Israelites were experts. “That night all the people of the community raised their voices and wept aloud. All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron…” Numbers 14:1-2
We do need to weep, mourn and lament at various times in our life, but when it simply comes down to feeling sorry for ourselves, it’s not productive. In fact it is perverting the true gift of compassion. Compassion is having pity toward others who are hurting and spending our time relieving their suffering. When we take something that was intended for others and turn it in on ourselves it becomes a dead end.
God, in His creative, extravagant love has wisely placed us exactly where He wants us right at this very moment. I know it often doesn’t seem right, it hurts, it’s hard, and sometimes we are tempted to run away and start a marriage with someone new, someone more understanding, someone more like that guy who lives next door or sits across the aisle in church.
We need to remember that staying married is not merely about being in love. It is about keeping our promises: Till death do us part or As long as we both shall live. Although our culture defines marriage merely as falling in love and seeking to keep that feeling of romance alive, the beautiful simplicity of marriage is solely keeping covenant with God and our husband.
Paul, in the letter to the Philippians (2:4), tells us not to be concerned merely for our own interests, but also for the interests of others around us. I have found that this is the best way to get out of that deep dark hole of self-pity. If we stop gazing only at our perspective and look at the other person’s viewpoint it will be easier to let go of that temptation to feel sorry for ourselves. Self-pity is maintained by thinking only of me and no one else.
Yesterday as I was writing this post I thought, “Wow, I haven’t had a pity party for a long time,” feeling rather fine about myself. Then guess what? Today I woke up and the thoughts started rolling in, “Poor me, here I am, living with and taking care Grandpa and Grandma, so far from all of you, answering the same numerous questions every day from Grandma who suffers from dementia and now from Grandpa who is also becoming forgetful and disoriented at times. My world is my 14 x 14 bedroom, my clothes, a small bookshelf holding my favorite books and 3 plastic file boxes with our not so important records of life…..”
These thoughts and a variation of them went on for most of the day as I was struggling to be kind, caring and patient, grateful for Grandma’s help of folding clothes yet frustrated when I found that the clothes she had folded were the ones that had not yet been washed.
Then I remembered the Philippians passage and tried to see it from Grandma’s view. I wondered how it must feel to know that your mind is slipping away and being unable to do anything about it. Forgetting names, not able to drive anymore because of poor eyesight, having difficulty setting a table when it used to be no problem throwing a big dinner party on her own – buying the food, preparing, serving, cleaning-up. And now not remembering who gets what to drink even though it’s the same thing every single meal, every single day. Reading the obituaries every morning wondering which acquaintance will be in the column today…..
Grandpa, who has had tremors for decades, eating his soup and shaking half of it out of the spoon before it gets to his mouth, trying to fish a tea bag out of his cup of hot water – yet never complaining or asking for help. Walking now with a cane he is so feeble and tottering yet won’t use the handicap parking spot (they’re for old people)…..
This evening as I pondered back on the day, I thought back to how many times I become impatient with people, rarely thinking about what it must be like to live their lives. I repented of my self-centeredness, and once again asked for the joy that truly comes from being a servant, the peace that comes while trusting God with the Bigger Story, knowing that much more is going on than what I can see with my physical eyes. Resting in the fact that Dad and I are doing what God has called us to do, hopefully I can wake up tomorrow with a better attitude and not allow the pity party to start.
We have a rare privilege when we face disappointments in life because with God there is always a new beginning available. Self-pity keeps us trapped in the past but God encourages us to look to the future:
“Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19
I pray that you and I will to learn to think about others with compassion instead of turning that beautiful gift in on ourselves.
Love, Mom
“The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10
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