Change Who??

Dear Daughters,

About fifteen years ago our family was on vacation in Idaho at Grandpa and Grandma’s home – the year we were celebrating their 50^th anniversary.  I don’t remember all the details, but Grandpa and Grandma were snipping at each other in the kitchen for some trivial reason.  I was sitting in the den so I heard part of what was said.  Then Grandma left to go outside and pick some veggies out of the garden.  I remember clear as day Grandpa’s next remark to me,

Your mom and I have been married for 50 years and she’s still trying to change me. 

It was like a flash of lightning for me, because for 25 years I had been trying to change your dad.  Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Right then and there I vowed to find a way to learn to really love him for exactly who he is now and not for who I hope he will be in the future.

Since then I have been learning and reading, making mistakes, praying for wisdom, learning more and reading more and failing again .…..you get the idea.  But I have just started reading an incredible book written by Gary Thomas entitled Sacred Influence.  And because I have been learning so much I thought I would share it with all of you, my precious daughters.  You can take what you like, throw out the rest, but I feel the need to verbalize what I’ve been learning and trying to put into practice.   I just want to try to share succinctly one chapter at a time.

As you all know, our marriage has always been committed, but not always loving, encouraging, and peaceful.  In the first chapter of Sacred Influence, Thomas writes that although there are many good books on marriage written by women for women to encourage them in their marriages, he thought it might be helpful to write some male insights into men’s thoughts and feelings.

He starts by stating that God loves women.  He feels passion for you when you cry, in fact he cries with you.  He wants your marriage to be fulfilling and satisfying.  Gary writes,

God knows that men can provide great strength, nurture, comfort, and security, but also that they can be frustrating, terrifying, demanding, and selfish.

Then he goes on to remark that there is no way we can change a man, but that we can learn to influence him or move him – a far subtler art.  Remarkably, he goes on to say that your husband isn’t the only imperfect person in the relationship.  Now that was one of my problems earlier on, I thought I was OK just like I was and that the whole problem in our marriage was Dad.  But one day God showed me that I was also a big part of the problem – what a shocking revelation.

So, as I was trying to digest this scandalous new mindset I realized that there is only one person in the world I am able to change, and that is me.  After the initial shock of this enlightening insight, so much pressure has been taken from me to know that I can’t, and finally don’t want to change Dad, but I can become more patient, kind, and loving, then leave the rest up to God.  That too, was a new concept to me – letting God do the work that only He can do.

But before I can love, I must believe that I am loved by God because I simply cannot conjure up love on my own.

I love the words from Lauren Daigle when she pours out her heart to God:

     You say I am loved, when I don’t feel a thing

     You say I am strong, when I feel I am weak

     You say I am held, when I am falling short

     And when I don’t belong, Oh You say I am yours.

              And I believe….

Yes, I believe.  I must believe, I have to believe that God loves me before I can love anyone well.  Believing has been some of the hardest work I have ever done, but also some of the most life-saving work God has done through me.

Yes, it has taken much effort, time, and rejecting those lies from my past  – those lies that I had been forgotten and dismissed, somehow falling off  God’s radar.

Some days I find myself reverting back into my old ingrained ways of thinking, but little by little I am learning, growing, trusting and changing.

Love, Mom